


After the Void Comes Daybreak

by Prixin47



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-18 15:56:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21279347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prixin47/pseuds/Prixin47
Summary: The Doctor, Tuvok, and Chakotay finally stage an intervention about Kathryn's depression and a full spectrum of treatment approaches are brought to bear.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 3
Kudos: 45





	After the Void Comes Daybreak

**Author's Note:**

> CW: drug use

  
_Captain’s Log **Stardate 52081.6**:_  
  
_After two months spent traversing the area of space Tom Paris so aptly nicknamed, “the void,” we have emerged through a spatial vortex into a sector that is teeming with nebulae, anomalies, and M-class planets rich in much-needed supplies. The morale of the crew, including my own, suffered tremendously in the tedium of the void. It is a relief to be busy again._  
  
“Computer, end log.”  
  
This was partially true anyway. Kathryn did indeed feel somewhat buoyed. But try as she might, she couldn’t quite shake the fog of guilt and fatigue that had been her prevailing state of mind for quite some time - she couldn’t remember exactly how long. Her mornings were grim and sluggish, and she was consuming unusually large quantities of coffee on a daily basis - even by her standards.  
  
Around her, the crew was flourishing. Seven of Nine continued to make remarkable strides toward embracing her humanity. Naomi Wildman’s studies were progressing well. Tom and B’Elanna seemed to be making one another happier than she’d ever known either one of them to be.  
  
But still, the fact remained that Kathryn alone bore the responsibility for having stranded this exemplary group of officers in the Delta Quadrant, and despite their resilience and courage, she felt as though she could never quite make it up to them. She never felt quite strong enough or smart enough to do justice to their sacrifice.  
  
It was as though she were looking at them all through a dense piece of transparent aluminum, able to see their happiness, but unable to share in it or to truly connect with any of them.  
  
She looked up from Seven’s astrometrics report, realizing that she’d been reading the same paragraph over and over again for the past ten minutes, and sighed.  
  
She was on her way to the replicator for her fourth cup of coffee of the morning when the comm chirped.  
  
“Chakotay to Janeway.”  
  
“Go ahead, Commander.”  
  
“Captain, will you join us in the briefing room at your earliest convenience.”  
  
“I’m on my way,” she replied. “Janeway out.”  
  
=/\=  
  
When Kathryn entered the briefing room, she found Chakotay, Tuvok, and the Doctor all waiting for her.  
  
She eyed them warily.  
  
“Why do I feel as if I’ve just been called into the principal’s office?” she asked.  
  
Chakotay rose and gestured to her customary seat. He seemed nervous, which was unusual and put her even more on edge.  
  
“We’re all sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, Kathryn,” he said. “But we need to talk.”  
  
She paused for a moment, then walked deliberately across the room and had a seat, interlacing her fingers on the table and surveying the three men with a flinty eye.  
  
“Well,” she said after a moment’s pause, “out with it.”  
  
“Captain,” the Doctor began, “we, that is to say the three of us, are deeply concerned about your depression.”  
  
“My what?” Kathryn protested.  
  
“Captain,” said Tuvok dispassionately, “during our time in the void, you withdrew socially in a manner that left many of the crew with serious concerns for your well being.”  
  
Chakotay chimed in, “you told me that the lack of distraction was making it impossible for you to avoid thinking about your guilt over destroying the Caretaker’s array. And then you volunteered for what amounted to a suicide mission when there were plenty of other options.”  
  
The Doctor finished this clearly well-rehearsed recitation. “Captain, social withdrawal, inappropriate guilt, and reckless risk taking are some of the most common symptoms of depression, and- ”  
  
“Inappropriate guilt?” she cut in defensively. “How is it inappropriate for me to take responsibility for the consequences of my actions?”  
  
“We are not asserting that you should not hold yourself accountable for the impact of your choices, Captain,” began Tuvok. “But you are behaving as though all of the consequences of your decision to destroy the Caretaker’s array have been detrimental. Nothing could be further from the truth. The Ocampa survived because of your actions and, although these years in the Delta Quadrant have been challenging, this crew has thrived under your leadership. We have made significant scientific discoveries, established first contact with dozens of new species, and developed rewarding friendships.”  
  
“And we rescued Seven of Nine from the Borg,” interjected the Doctor. “It is most fortunate for Seven and everyone who has come to care about her that we are here.”  
  
“Kathryn,” said Chakotay finally, “lately, it’s as though all you can see are the negatives. That’s also a sign of depression by the way.”  
  
“Captain,” the Doctor interjected, “when was the last time you really enjoyed anything? A good laugh? A moment of scientific curiosity fulfilled? A delicious meal?”  
  
Kathryn contemplated this for a moment. If seemed as though she hadn’t laughed in months, and while she did experience a faint thrill from exploration from time to time, her feelings paled in comparison to those elicited by previous discoveries. As for a delicious meal, she had a hard time remembering the last time she’d had an appetite for much more than coffee and the occasional cup of vegetable bouillon.  
  
“I guess it has been awhile,” she replied. “Too long.”  
  
“So what are we going to do about it?” Chakotay asked.  
  
“We?” she responded. “I don’t know that this is a _we_ problem, Commander.”  
  
He flinched, clearly stung by her formality and the distance she always put between them whenever he got too close.  
  
Seeing the hurt in his eyes, she softened.  
  
“I appreciate the concern, gentlemen, I really do. And I thank you for bringing this to my attention. I will address this in my own way.”  
  
She stood and moved to leave.  
  
“Captain,” said the Doctor, trepidation and assertiveness warring for dominance in his tone, “I’m afraid it’s not that simple. If we can’t come up with a workable plan to address your illness, I’m afraid I’ll have to relieve you from command for your own well-being, as well as the crew’s.”  
  
Her eyes narrowed to slits for a moment, but she sank back into her chair with a sigh.  
  
“Alright,” she said, throwing her hands in the air. “What do you propose?”  
  
“A course of anti-depressant medication would seem to be indicated,” said the Doctor. “I can tailor it to your specific neurochemistry of course. If you come in for a neural scan later this afternoon, I’ll have your first dose ready this evening.”  
  
“Fine,” she said, “I’ll come in at 1400.”  
  
“I plan to meet with you every evening for one hour over the next six weeks,” said Tuvok, “to instruct you in Vulcan mindfulness meditations that may help you gain more awareness of your thought patterns and take a less judgmental perspective of your own imperfections.”  
  
“Every night?” she protested, “I’m not sure I have time-“  
  
Tuvok cut her off, most uncharacteristically. “I believe that it was the fourteenth Dalai Lama of Earth who said that the less time you have to meditate, the more you need to meditate.”  
  
“One hour. Every night,” said the Doctor, settling the matter.  
  
“Very well,” she acquiesced. “Et tu Chakotay? Do you have any recommendations to add?”  
  
“Come to the Holodeck after your meditation session with Tuvok this evening,” he said, a compassionate smile tugging at his lips, his warm brown eyes piercing her blue ones. “I have a program that I think will help.”  
  
Something in his tone made her body tingle. Even now, barricaded behind protocol and stressed past her limits as she was, he could still make her weak in the knees.  
  
“Alright,” she said. “I’ll see you at 1900.”  
  
She stood again and moved to leave. Just before she made it to the doors, Chakotay said, “one more thing, Captain. Come hungry.”  
  
=/\=  
  
When Kathryn finally made it to the Holodeck at 1900, she was quite out of sorts. The Doctor had taken a great deal of time with her neural scan and then she’d had to come back for a hypospray later in the evening. She hated Sickbay and avoided it whenever possible, so two visits in one day was especially irksome.  
  
Her meditation session with Tuvok had been difficult as well. Her mind felt blurry and sluggish, and she struggled to maintain focus on her breath. The hour had crawled by.  
  
And now Chakotay was going to take her through who only knew what. Another meditation technique? Some kind of ritual? A visit with her animal guide?  
  
She took a deep breath and entered the Holodeck.  
  
She found herself in a twilit alpine meadow full of wildflowers. Chakotay was sitting on a picnic blanket in the grass, with an array of foods laid out in front of him that must have cost him a week’s worth of replicator rations.  
  
And this was not simple, nutritious fare. There was Welsh rabbit and Cornish game hen. Yorkshire pudding. Roasted vegetables dressed with toasted bread crumbs and melted cheese. Figs. Cheese. Fruit. Crackers. And for dessert -  
  
“Brownies!” she exclaimed, feeling a hint of anticipation for the first time in ages.  
  
Chakotay beamed at her, relieved to see her express joy, “these aren’t just any brownies, Kathryn. They’re special, and they’re meant to be eaten first.”  
  
He cut her off a small piece.  
  
“This contains about 10 milligrams of tetrahydrocannabinol, as well as cannabidiol and a host of other cannabinoids.”  
  
“Marijuana?” she asked, astonished. “How?”  
  
“Turns out one of my Maquis crew members - don’t ask me who, I’ll never tell - had some seeds on her or his person when we were swept out of the Badlands. I annexed a small section of the airponics bay to grow a plant. Then I spent a week drying the buds and decarboxylating them before simmering them in butter and making them into the brownies you see before you.”  
  
She grinned. “Chakotay, the last time I had this stuff was in Academy prep and I only ever smoked it. I’ve heard that edibles can leave you high for days on end. I can’t afford to be high for even one night. At least with synthehol-“  
  
Chakotay cut her off, “you’ll be high for about 10 hours if you have just this one small portion, and Tuvok already knows that we’ll both be out of commission for the night. He’s perfectly capable of commanding the ship through anything that might arise between now and tomorrow.”  
  
“And if I refuse?” she said, “are you going to tell the Doctor on me?”  
  
“Of course not,” he said, taken aback. “Kathryn, I would never try to coerce you into using drugs. This is an entirely voluntary part of the treatment, but may I remind you that centuries of research have definitively proved that marijuana, used sparingly, can be an effective remedy for depression?”  
  
She smiled and sighed.  
  
“Alright, Chakotay,” she said, taking the brownie and raising it in the air. “Cheers.”  
  
She ate it.  
  
=/\=  
  
“I don’t think it’s working,” she said an hour later, as they were looking up at the stars, which had now begun to appear in twos and threes in the darkening sky. “Maybe I should have more.”  
  
“I wouldn’t recommend it,” said Chakotay, “I calibrated those brownies pretty precisely. Just give it a little more time.”  
  
Five minutes later, she was devouring the Yorkshire pudding. She hadn’t felt hungry for months, but now she was ravenous. The pudding was salty, buttery, fluffy perfection. She hadn’t tasted anything so delicious in years.  
  
“Still think it isn’t working?” Chakotay chuckled, munching on a fig stuffed with mascarpone and garnished with sea salt.  
  
“Alright,” she admitted, “maybe it’s working.”  
  
She took a fig. “Oh!” she exclaimed, “this is delicious!”  
  
Indeed, everything was delicious, and she went back for seconds of both the rabbit and the roasted vegetables. When she was completely stuffed, she wiped her hands and mouth with a napkin and grinned at Chakotay.  
  
“Now what?”  
  
“Let’s take a little walk,” he suggested, “nothing too strenuous, just a little ramble through nature - also a very effective treatment for depression.”  
  
They stood and wandered across the meadow. Fireflies were twinkling across the valley below and two huge moons, one golden, one copper lit their way.  
  
A soft breeze whispered across her neck like the breath of a lover and she trembled.  
  
“Are you cold, Kathryn?” asked Chakotay, solicitously. “I have some blankets back at the picnic site.”  
  
“No,” she said warmly, “I’m fine. That breeze just gave me goosebumps is all.”  
  
Indeed, her body felt incredible. She was aware for the first time in a long time of the strength of her muscles and her toned, lean body. Even the practical, synthetic fabric of her uniform felt sensuous against her skin. She sighed.  
  
“This was a good idea, Chakotay,” she admitted, “I feel really good right now.”  
  
“Good,” he said, “I like making you feel good.”  
  
It came out before he could stop himself and the sudden flush in his cheeks was visible even in the moonlight.  
  
She blushed as well, looking studiously into the valley at the fireflies and the river below.  
  
“Let’s go see the river,” she said, impulsively blurting out the first avoidance strategy that came to mind. She could tell by the way he sighed that he was simultaneously grateful for and disappointed by the change of subject.  
  
This had been a difficult spot between them for years now. He wanted to be with her and she had never been able to hide from him how much she shared that desire; but she simply couldn’t act on it. Starfleet protocol had been drilled too deeply into her consciousness.  
  
And so they had embraced this intense, romantic friendship - one that always teetered on the brink of becoming physical, held back only by her resolve and his consummate respect for her boundaries.  
  
But as they walked down the hill towards the river, he began to think aloud.  
  
“Kathryn,” he said, “do you ever wonder if maybe you’re using Starfleet protocol as an excuse not to do what we both want to do because you've convinced yourself you’re not allowed to feel deep connection or pleasure until you get this crew home?”  
  
Apparently, Chakotay was chatty and uninhibited when high. She would have found his startling insight into her perverse sense of guilt annoying if he weren’t so adorable.  
  
Again, he blushed. “Sorry,” he said. “I’d forgotten how much marijuana brings out my inner monologue.”  
  
She chuckled a little, surprising herself. “It’s alright, Chakotay. You might be right. I hadn’t really thought about it that way before.”  
  
“Because you are allowed, Kathryn,” he said. “It’s not your fault we’re out here. You didn't drag us halfway across the galaxy. The Caretaker did that, and he put you in an impossible position.  
  
“Maybe at one point there were some among the crew who faulted you for sacrificing the short and certain route home, but those days are gone. Many people have confided to me over the years that they feel they are better off on Voyager than they were in the Alpha Quadrant.”  
  
She felt a lump rising in her throat and when she spoke, her voice was tight with emotion.  
  
“Chakotay, I…”  
  
And then she burst into tears and his arms were around her in seconds. She poured out an orgasm of grief into his chest. Grief for the deaths of so many fine officers, grief for Naomi Wildman growing up without a father, grief for Harry Kim’s parents, and grief for her own personal losses. And the grief of knowing that it was unlikely that any of them would ever seen Earth again and that she didn't have nearly as much control over any of it as she wanted to believe she did.  
  
He stroked her hair and murmured all the sweet, supportive things people whisper to each other through dark nights of the soul.  
  
She looked up at him, her arms around his chest, her eyes still brimming with tears. He reached down and carefully wiped them away with the pads of his thumbs.  
  
She closed her eyes and turned her face into his palm, kissing it gently before laying her head on his chest again.  
  
They stood there together like that for some time before he said, “should we continue down towards the river?”  
  
She looked up again at him and nodded. He took her hand in his and they silently walked towards the water.  
  
Eventually, she spoke.  
  
“Hypothetically,” she said, “if we were to explore a relationship, how would you want to go about it?”  
  
He stopped and turned to look at her. “Hypothetically?” he asked.  
  
She nodded and they began walking again, hand in hand.  
  
“Hypothetically, I’d say we keep things discreet until we’re sure we actually work as a couple.”  
  
“And if we don’t work as a couple?” she said. “What then?”  
  
“We’re adults, Kathryn, and we care a lot about each other and this crew. As long as we act in good faith, we’ll be able to work together and be friends come what may.”  
  
“But Chakotay, you don’t know what I’m like,” she blurted out. _This marijuana is worse than truth serum_, she groused inwardly.  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“You think I’m stubborn now, just wait until we’re in our first fight. You have no idea how hard I dig my heels in.”  
  
“I think I have a pretty good idea of how stubborn you can be, Kathryn. Believe it or not, it’s one of the things I love most about you. You’re passionate and you have the courage of your convictions. It’s remarkably sexy.”  
  
She felt a flood of warmth and a pleasant swelling between her legs.  
  
“You think I’m sexy?” she asked, playfully.  
  
“Are we still talking hypothetically?” he asked, grinning and flashing those beautiful dimples that always made her heart melt.  
  
“Of course,” she said flirtatiously, the warm swelling still building in her groin.  
  
“Yes, Kathryn. Hypothetically, you’re the sexiest woman I’ve ever met. Sometimes you’re all I can think about.”  
  
She stopped and turned to face him. It was time to drop the pretense.  
  
“I know the feeling. There are days when I think about you quite a bit. Nights, too.”  
  
His eyes grew soft and wide, as if he couldn’t quite believe what she was saying.  
  
“Nights?” he asked, the left side of his mouth curling in an expression she had never seen him make before.  
  
“Yes,” she whispered, feeling a trickle of wetness amidst the warmth swelling between her legs.  
  
“Kathryn, please don’t tease-“  
  
But she cut him off by closing the distance between them with two swift steps, standing on her toes, and kissing him softly on the lips.  
  
He pulled her to him and returned her kiss, gentle at first and then with more fervor. Their tongues brushed against each other sensuously, their hands roamed tentatively over one another’s bodies.  
  
Kathryn came up for air first.  
  
“Computer, she said, end program, lock onto me and Commander Chakotay, and initiate a site to site transport to my quarters.”  
  
Chakotay’s eyebrows jumped up nearly a centimeter as they dematerialized.  
  
=/\=  
  
There was no further need for words when they materialized in her quarters. They quickly shed their uniforms in a tangle of limbs, punctuated by bouts of kissing so fierce, so tender, so joyous that she nearly burst into tears again.  
  
They fell onto the bed in their underwear with her pale breasts exposed, the palms of his hands softly rubbing her nipples, his cock making a rigid bulge inside his fitted boxer shorts.  
  
She shuddered as the swelling between her legs became an insistent throb and she guided his hand underneath the waistband of her panties.  
  
He shuddered and moaned when his fingers met her lips and he felt just how slick she was. He softly teased the tip of her clit with the pad of his finger and she moaned.  
  
He climbed on top of her and roughly pulled her hips down so that her legs were hanging off the edge of the bed. He slowly pulled off her panties, looking into her eyes with such an expression of tenderness that once again she was on the brink of weeping.  
  
His tongue on the tip of her clit was heaven, warm and wet and dexterous. He read the movements of her hips like he’d tasted her before. He knew just how to tease her, when to press down and when to give a little space. Soon, her legs were trembling.  
  
He licked one of his fingers and slid it inside her, massaging the full length of her clit and nudging her cervix ever so gently.  
  
She groaned and he responded in kind, creating a delicious vibrating sensation between her legs.  
  
“Chakotay,” she gasped, “I need you inside me.”  
  
He wiped his mouth and came to join her on the bed. She caressed the bulge in his boxer shorts and he moaned.  
  
“Kathryn, oh god,” he murmured, as a few slippery droplets drenched her palm through the fabric.  
  
She pulled off his boxers and scooted up so that her head was on the pillows. He came with her and positioned himself between her open legs. He graced her lips with kisses so soft and full of longing and bittersweet hope that she teared up yet again.  
  
“Kathryn,” he said, pulling away and making eye contact, “I have wanted this from the moment I first saw you,” he said. “I'm totally in love with you. I’m yours. Always. You understand that?”  
  
“I do,” she said. “I understand that. I want you, too, Chakotay. Please.”  
  
He slid inside her slowly, deliciously. When their pubic bones met, he rotated his hips in a slow grind that made her legs shake again. He felt her clench on him.  
  
He pulled back out so that the head of his cock was barely pressed against her slit and she whined with frustration.  
  
When she clenched again, he slowly pressed himself inside her once more until the tip of his cock brushed her cervix, then pulled back out so that the tip was nestled against her slit.  
  
Each time she clenched on him, he pushed himself into her again, until the pulses came with more regularity and his cock swelled more still, dripping inside her.  
  
He slid the pad of his thumb between them, teasing her clit as he began to thrust more vigorously.  
  
She felt the swelling building in her clit and cervix until it seemed he was reaching the center of her being. When she came, he did too, grabbing onto her body as if she were the breath of life itself and spending torrents into her as she squeezed around him. His orgasm lasted nearly thirty seconds and she was enthralled by the look of near-religious ecstasy on his face.  
  
He came to rest next to her and she laid her head on his muscular chest.  
  
He fell asleep playing with strands of her hair and she smiled from the depths of her belly when he started to snore ever so softly.  
  
_Oh you have it bad, Kathryn Janeway_, she thought to herself.  
  
But as she drifted off to sleep in his arms, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt so free.


End file.
